Inspector Jack reports…

On the latest Sportsmen’s Camp mysteries and intrigues.

Yes dear reader Inspector Jack has resurfaced after a several year hiatus to investigate a series of mysterious disappearances and the clandestine operations of a secret elitist organization right here in Sportsmen’s camp!

When asked why he has resurfaced for these investigations his reply was Delphic – involving how much fun it is to needlessly speculate, wear funny hats, smoke a pipe, drink scotch and ply informants with alcohol whilst questioning as well applying his well known coercion techniques during interrogation of persons of interest.

The case of the mysteriously mobile oven rack –

This case was cracked using the sound and tried and true methods of intense witness interrogation with a smattering of needless speculation then applying these speculations. It turns out that the oven rack in question sprouts legs from time to time and goes to areas where it’s needed the most or out of the way locales. It is a well known syndrome that afflicts inanimate objects especially in homes with teen children. Technically known as echinodermata locomatata. You see there are no tell tale tracks from the object’s movement and it is theorized that the object sprouts thousands of tiny tube feet similar to a starfish or sea urchin in the night and then slowly makes way to it’s ultimate destination. The theories about the motives and stimuli that affect the ultimate destination are varied and much research is yet indicated to have any definitive theory to fit the data. So at this time we must rely only on testimony (often hearsay) and empirical evidence from “witnesses, malingerers and persons of interest.

The case of the mysterious cabin pen disappearances –

It was brought to the attention of the staff here at Sportsmen’s Camp that a cottage had no writing implements and whenever one was brought in that it would subsequently disappear! Very strange indeed. And especially strange given the respondent is under investigation in another especially heinously bougie case. It was posited immediately that it was another case of echinodermata locomatata but the emergence of the prime respondent as the person of interest in another another case has cast a most convoluted pall on this investigation. We have multiple theories as to possible bourgeois motives for the monetization of the pilfered writing implements. Although the case is not closed it was recommended that the staff ignore requests for pens or pencils especially from the primary respondent. The phenomenon thus ceased and the assumption that the main culprit of this issue was the prime respondent seems to be universally accepted. The case though not officially closed is suspended.

The case of the secret elitist bourgeois bacchanalia

This was the most difficult of the Sportsmen’s Camp cases. Apparently this secret elitist society has been operating for several years right under the noses of the camp owners, staff and guests. This was later explained by the fact that members of the staff and guests are in fact members of this secret elitist society! Much vigorous interrogation was employed to wrest this information from the members of this erstwhile cult as well as the infiltration of the organization and the courageous efforts of the affected family members. There was much talk of a full scale intervention but this was pooh poohed in favor of collecting additional corroborating evidence. This was a particularly difficult decision especially since this unseemly cabal was seeking to indoctrinate another unsuspecting (some would say clueless) member of the family. Hence it became necessary to expose this nefarious union of deviates. Luckily after a very reliable witness approached the meeting site with diversionary questions regarding the location of his “fucking tuna fish” the meeting was exposed and it is hoped that the prospective recruit was deflected from a decision with dire consequences.

There are other investigations pending and it is hoped that they will be resolved before the end of the season but these were the most interesting and appear to be pretty well wrapped up.

Respectfully submitted for your edification – Inspector Jack

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